我們的愛(our love)

I went to karaok alone yesterday. This song, somehow makes me cry.

Then, I suddenly know nothing about love. What love is all about? Can it be digitized? It would be best in a 2 value format, 1 or 0.

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The aches

It just suddenly crossed my mind that we are all aching in one way or another. All of us are struggling to mend that heartache..that headache..that backache..that ache that doesn’t seem to go away. Funny how we are all trying so hard to to keep ourselves busy and occupied because we want to run away from what we know we are not able to face/fix. Question is, how far can we run? or, how long can we run? Does the ache go away after that? 10 km? 1000 miles? Probably not in a million years. Yes, not in a million years.

 

I’m sure we have come a long way healing from one heartache to another, learning to forgive one betrayal to another, accepting the disappointment and just wanting to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. But there’s one thing that has never failed us so far… the sun continues to rise the next day. So…why stay in the dark gloomy weather so long? Perhaps a little sun could help us take some baby steps and eventually..getting there?

 

I’m learning to release and leave it to the hands of the one who has the ability to do something. Cos whatever that I’m capable of..is just not going to make any difference. It’s just this much that I can do. I dunno about you..but I find leaving my burdens to God definitely relieve my shoulders much more and allow me to take bigger steps out of the rut. No doubt everything seemed bleak and nothing is certain. I’m in doubt cos I’m hurt. I don’t know how to trust and who to trust. But when I think of it…has God forsaken me? Has He ever disappointed me? Never….so, why doubt Him just because you are disappointed with someone/something else?

 

I don’t want to hold on to this baggage and expect myself to climb up steps. I hope you’ll learn to let it go than to struggle each step with your baggage. Drop it. Along the way, you might just find something more worthy of your strength. Perhaps this is sounding a bit too hopeful for you…but really…I have decided to move on and as difficult as it is, I’m not going to force myself to forget or to heal completely. I’m just gonna let go of this burden..and start to take my baby steps. As my stamina catches up..I’m sure I’ll be ready to run. And when He thinks I’m ready..I know I’ll be ready to flap my wings and soar….

 

So…you joining me?

 

 

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I was neither here nor there

I haven’t really put in much effort when it comes to gathering with friends or whatever not. I’m not really a social bug and I’m very much driven by my hormones & mood swings.   But this time around, I decided to agree to the CNY gathering and in fact played quite a role in helping JD out in their home for the steamboat.  This year marks our 10th year of knowing each other.  It’s truly a memorable milestone.  But……somehow…I felt misplaced.

 

Something about tonite that made me feel very gloomy & anti-social.  I wasn’t myself the entire night through.  I barely uttered a word and I only put on entertaining-grins; not to mention cold shoulders to him.  I suspect it’s his presence that has caused my behavior.  I wouldn’t be the least surprise although I am somewhat disappointed with the fact that he still has such impact on me.  Don’t get me wrong – I have absolutely nothing against him seeing this new girl.  In fact, I am happy for him; she’s a great girl (too great for him perhaps).  I dunno how to describe it nor do I even comprehend what’s going on in my head.  It was just plain awkward.  Hmm…awkward… maybe that’s the word to describe.  I wished L was around and I didn’t feel so alone and I could in some ways show-him-off instead of just enduring MK.  Again, don’t get me wrong. I really have nothing against them.  It’s just this weird problem I’m having within me that screams to be released from the 1300sqf unit tonite.  Especially the point where me & her was stuck doing the dishes together..side by side..and there he was drying them.  I mean…crap man! Then I suddenly recalled how it was like back on Christmas Day in 2006 after my baptism.  There they were – P & M.  Both sitting there having casual talks; almost as though they share the same fate (Yes, the Being-her-Old-Flame fate).  Maybe that’s the way God is trying to punish me for being unthoughtful back then.  And tonite I get to taste my damn own poison.  *ouch* Lord, if that’s the message You are trying to send to me; I geddit!   *sigh* Dramatic you’d say… Yes, perhaps – I’m such a damn drama queen.  I still dunno why I’m feeling this way.  I suspect it’s becos my inner self (that swine!) keeps knocking at the back of my head reminding me of who he is versus how I see him behave now in front of her & others. Some parts in me are just screaming “Injustice“; “Hypocrite“; “Liar“!! *gulp* Okay…I don’t exactly mean it that badly.  ARrggh… I dunno what I’m talking about anymore.

 

Whatever! *prrrfff*

 

I’m tired.  I feel exhausted.  My entire body has been aching like mad the past few days.  I just feel like telling the whole damn world that I want a break; I want to STOP EVERYTHING! Yes! I am freaking unhappy and tired, and I blardy need you to SHUDDUP & live me alone! *screams* 

 

I insist on

• spending money & buying myself some nice tops
• going shopping & make impulsive purchases especially on makeups & skin care
• going for SPA and be extremely pampered
• going for manicure & pedicure and file those damn nails & stupid cracked heels away
• getting a slimming package from Marie France or whichever darn place that would trip those fat, tuck my tummy in, perk my butts and push my boobs up
• INSISTING ON EVERY DARN THING THAT I WANT!!

 

Is PMS coming?  Or I’m already in it? BUMMERS!

 

 

 

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Tu me manques

I had a great mood swing and sad when I see these words frankly. I thought they belonged to me. Probably they did, but for a very very short while. I had a sleepless nite, and the next day, my tears kept falling when I was in office. Too bad, no one can tell if I was crying, so… I have no one pat on my head or hug me, tell me it’s alright. I don’t have any close friend there, anyway.

 

Coincidently, Baby sent me an email. I wanted to reply, I got someone that I want to get rid off my mind, but I can’t do it with someone else. Probably I should. I don’t know.

 

I have bid farewell to “tu me manques”, never thought these words will appear again in my life. I stunned a bit when I look at it, I have to pretend I am OK and explain what does it means.

 

A typical Cancerian shouldn’t fall for someone easily. I shall keep this in my mind. I hope it’s not stored in my fish brain. It should be stored in a non-volatile memory…

 

Sorry to have my New Year first post on not-so-happy thing…

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